Conversations

What would you do if you had an embarrassing family secret? I suspect that most of us would not be eager to draw attention to the embarrassing situation. As far as it depended on us, we would make sure to keep the secret buried.

A friend once told me of a well-to-do young Sri Lankan couple intent on climbing the social ladder. They were educated in posh schools and had a circle of classy friends. The girl’s parents were simple folk, comfortable in speaking Sinhala. The old couple lived with their children. However, when the young couple entertained at home, the elderly parents were requested to stay out of sight in a back room. The adult children were ashamed of their parents lack of sophistication and inability to converse in good English and did not want to feel embarrassed in front of their friends.

Like my friend and I, you probably felt contempt towards the young couple. We would never treat someone so badly. Or would we…? Social pressure to conform to cultural expectations is a very powerful thing.

I am drawn to the poignant story of Tamar the daughter of King David. Her story is recorded in the first half of 2 Sam 13. Tamar was a beautiful young girl raped by her half brother Amnon, the king’s firstborn. She is sent to Amnon’s house by David who is taken in by Amnon’s elaborate charade that he is ill and would be cheered up by her visit and a special meal. When Amnon dismisses his household, grabs her and asks her for consensual sex, Tamar refuses and says that it would be a vile thing. She points out that it would be shameful for her and that he would be considered a scoundrel. She pleads with him to speak to the king about it, so that if Amnon really desired her, the union could take place after the proprieties had been observed. Amnon does not listen and being physically stronger than she, forces Tamar, hitherto a virgin, to have sex with him. Predictably, once the act is over, Amnon feels a great loathing for Tamar and has her thrown out of his house. In vain does Tamar try to tell him that sending her away is worse than the rape. Having satiated himself, Amnon does not care that Tamar will pay the consequences of his actions. Tamar is now no longer marriageable. Her lack of culpability is irrelevant.

In this episode, David does not shine as a wise and fair father. Although angry with Amnon for raping Tamar, he does not punish him because he loves him. This weak-willed decision contributes to Amnon’s violent death as Absalom, Tamar’s full brother, nurses his anger and bides his time until an opportune time comes along to get rid of Amnon. In the broader scheme of things, Tamar’s rape, Amnon’s murder and other calamities that occur in David’s family are connected to God’s judgment on King David for sleeping with Bathsheba, Uriah’s wife and for arranging the death of Uriah when his plans to cover up the resultant pregnancy failed.

While Absalom’s fury at Amnon for disgracing his sister is understandable, it is obviously wrong that he takes matters into his own hands and has Amnon killed. However, I do admire Absalom for taking in Tamar to his house and caring for her. He does this even before David gets to hear what had happened. Whereas for most pretty young girls the hoped for future would be marriage and a family of their own, Tamar’s rape guaranteed that she would remain “ a desolate woman” in her brother Absalom’s house. Tamar was fortunate that she had a brother who felt responsible for her and made provision for her. Even though her hopes were dashed, she was loved and secure. She was not abandoned to fend for herself.

What fascinates me is that Absalom takes Tamar under his wing, not caring a whit about what other people might think. He doesn’t feel that he needs to hide away their embarrassing family secret. This is a refreshingly different attitude from what people have felt relatively recently and do so even today.

Austen fans will remember the anxiety Elizabeth the heroine of Pride and Prejudice undergoes when her sister Lydia runs away with Wickham. Unless there is a wedding and no whiff of scandal Lydia will be ruined and her family disgraced. Colonel Brandon of Sense and Sensibility has a young ward who could not enter polite society because of her parentage. She is seduced and abandoned by Willoughby. Fortunately for her, she is continued to be taken care of by Colonel Brandon. Even so, he never really discusses her until circumstances make it advisable to do so. She is cared for but from a distance. Its like she is invisible. It’s the kind and heroic thing to do to treat her well, but it must be done in private and out of sight. She can never be included in respectable company. Those are the stringent rules of society that must be adhered to. Austen’s novels are of course, reflections of ordinary genteel life of her day.

I think of parents getting upset when their grown children want to marry partners whom the parents consider unsuitable to join their family. Often their sense of shame is heightened by what their relations will think. It wasn’t so long ago that some families disowned their children for their choice of marriage partner.

Lucky Tamar. She wasn’t hidden away out in the country somewhere to be visited occasionally. Although she would not find a husband and have a family, she was affirmed, loved and honoured in her brother’s house. Not only was Tamar kept in the bosom of her family, when Absalom had a baby daughter, he named her after his sister. Little Tamar it is recorded, grew up to be a beautiful young woman too.

If you were ashamed of someone, would you name your daughter after her? Even if you were not ashamed of them really, but just embarrassed about something bad that had happened to them, would you deliberately cause everyone else that you knew to remember half-forgotten tragedies of the past? Imagine the wagging tongues.. ..The daughter’s name is Tamar? Of all things! Wasn’t that the name of the sister too, you know the girl who got raped..of course we don’t know what really happened…..

So what’s the big deal about naming the child after the aunt? Well, I imagine that Tamar would have felt wonderfully affirmed. The odd person at family gatherings, the object of pity and curiosity is shown in a real and tangible way that she is still important and of value. She is regarded so highly that out of all possible names that Absalom could have chosen, her name must be picked. It gives some dignity back to her. It is a reminder that her intrinsic worth has not diminished despite other painful & deep losses. Despite his many faults, Absalom treats his sister with a lot of compassion. And it signals to everyone else, that while her life has been irrevocably changed, that she is still esteemed in the same way by her closest relative who isn’t uncomfortable about having her in the bosom of his family.

This is very different from the attitude towards widows for instance, in many traditional societies. Widows are social pariahs and people feel that their presence at joyous occasions like weddings will bring bad luck to the newlyweds.

Tamar is not put away because her presence is inconvenient and mortifying. Nor is she even kept simply because of a sense of duty towards her. She is kept as an integral part of Absalom’s family due all the privileges and esteem of a beloved sister.

To what extent if any are we willing to embrace invisible people whom our circle/ society prefers to ignore/ forget? And if we do interact with the rejects of society, do we only do so in private or are we comfortable being identified with them in public, not minding the displeasure or discomfort of people that are significant to us?

Often we are inhibited from doing the right and loving thing because we fear the response of others. When we take the side of a shunned person or a marginalized group, there will be people who get uncomfortable or angry because we draw attention to inconvenient truths. Let’s not be paralyzed into inaction for fear of upsetting the status quo. Let’s care instead about what God thinks of us. People’s frustration with us pales into insignificance compared to God’s disappointment with us, doesn’t it?

Evangelicals have always been zealous for the cause of the gospel. We have been enthusiastic in taking on the call of going into all the world to make disciples for Christ. We have also worked hard on not just bringing people to a saving knowledge of Jesus, but to also equip new believers to be lifelong followers of Christ, walking in deeper fellowship with Him. We have taken to heart to work out our callings to be fathers and mothers, husbands and wives, faithful workers at our jobs, be generous in our giving to God’s work at home and abroad, to be sensitive to God’s Spirit in the work of being transformed in our character, to heed to God’s call on our own lives and leave the known and familiar to serve in missionary service. Of course this is at the best of times, we know that as while we might be aware of these truths, that often we fall short, thereby relying on God’s grace to actually live life this way.

However even as we want more than a surface Christian life and are willing to go deeper in our faith journey, churches have lacked emphasis, even missed altogether the fact that God not only desires to go deep with Him but that God desires his people to learn and live the breadth of the Christian life. No, we don’t want to commit the hubris of thinking that we can figure out all there is to know of God in this life. We can’t. Yet it is sad that sections of the Christian community have sometimes ignored, glossed over, or been unaware of the range of God’s concerns in our world. How often have we asked God what His will is for our lives, often having a couple of options in our mind and trying to get a celestial green light in one direction. Do we instead ask God what His plans are for the World and what His will might be for us in light of His bigger plans for the world?

Some feel that lasting change occurs only as individuals come to Christ and allow Him to transform them. But it is tragic that we Christians have been content not to engage with the world and take on bigger challenges for the sake of Christ. This shyness to engage in social issues of the day that were immoral, evil or unjust did not always mark Christians. Instead throughout Christian history, we see evidence that Christians were known as those who cared for the vulnerable in their societies. In the ancient graeco-roman world Christians rescued unwanted babies that were exposed to the elements to die. Similarly, Christians cared for the sick when they were cast out to die alone. They may not have had the political clout to change the norms of society, but they addressed the evils in their communities.

Later on though, there were Christians who were able to influence public changes of evil practices. I have always been inspired by the story of William Wilberforce, who campaigned tirelessly in the English parliament for the abolition of slavery supported by his friends of the Clapham Sect. I am drawn to the story of William Wilberforce, because ultimately it’s a story about a “successful” attempt to bring about good change, a fight against a social evil born of spiritual conviction that all people are made in God’s image and therefore one man cannot buy, sell or own another.

I’m fascinated all the more because while it surely was the Biblical understanding of who people are before God that enabled a group of Christians to fight for the abolishing of slavery, the Bible does not have as its agenda, a battle plan to fight this evil. Instead we see Abraham and other patriarchs owning slaves, as did the cultures around them. We see rules though, of how slaves and servants were to be treated, for instance one reason no one was to work on the Sabbath was to give rest to those toiling in one’s household. In the New Testament masters and slaves both came to Christ and forge a new relationship as brothers, the Master being cautioned to treat the slave as his brother, and the slave being exhorted to work even better for his master/brother. With I believe just the one exception of 1st Corinthians where Paul encourages Christian slaves that if it were possible to win their freedom to do so, in most instances Paul does not advise them to attempt to change the status quo. Why was this? My personal perspective is that it was because of the Christian community ‘s lack of power in the wider socio-political communities they belonged to in the days of Paul’s writing. Also, the culture surrounding the Christians would not have had a framework to understand why the institution of slavery was morally evil. The Christians’ work in their context would have been to live and worship as the redeemed community and invite others to Christ.

I find it interesting that even though it makes us chaff sometimes at God’s seeming slowness to act, that He does act at the fullness of time. In the case of slavery, He caused sufficient numbers of His people to understand enough about himself and about people in general that they were convinced that slavery was evil. They prayed and worked and were able to convince lawmakers in a society that was at least nominally Christian to change the law. The “time” was right. There was a man of God in a position from which he could work for change. There was a group of believers behind him who had a firm conviction that what they were involved with was of God. And there was a measure of acceptance in the society in which they lived in that their cause was valid.

I feel that the apparent paradox of the glimpses of slavery in the Bible and how the Bible and Christian conviction itself were instrumental in fighting slavery a couple hundred years ago indicate a certain progressive revelation of God & his character that we sometimes understand over time. This is not to say that we are better able to know God than any other generation in the past. Nor is it to say that God’s character has shed anything or added anything on. Rather, sometimes because of the time and place we live in, certain facets of His character either stare in our face or don’t register all that much. For instance, in poor countries, Christians have had to grapple with how poverty affects people for many years. This has helped us to see more naturally I guess the many Biblical evidences of God’s concern for justice towards the vulnerable and powerless in society. Those from cultures that are more affluent and comfortable, where poverty happens on the fringes of society may not be as quick to notice biblical allusions on how worshippers of God are to protect the rights of those that do not have power in society to stand up for themselves and/or are exploited by society. As a university student, I remember hearing of an old Bible commentary published in the West that devoted many pages to expound on pottery and not even a full page to expound on poverty! Ironically one entry followed on the heels of the other. Recently, a friend who has been learning of God’s heart for Justice for the first time was astounded that she had grown up in American Christian circles all her life without ever really understanding how much issues of justice mattered to God. Thus an important aspect of God’s character became heightened in her consciousness.

When we look back at positive missionary contributions in the colonial era, the missionaries of that time built schools and hospitals among the people whom they hoped to reach for Christ. They recognized the important needs that needed to be met and addressed them as part of their witness. Its inspiring and personally challenging to realize that often these Christians whose footsteps we follow were the initiators of necessary social change of their times. We have a rich tradition of social engagement as part of our witness to Christ in the world we live in.

The Christian community’s commitment to the vulnerable is inherited not only from the traditions of our past, but also from the injunctions of the Scriptures itself. Time and time again in the Old Testament God’s people are warned not to exploit the ‘widow, orphan and alien’ i.e. those that depended on the kindness and goodwill of others in order to flourish in society. Prophets like Amos spoke of God’s anger with his people for exploiting the helpless and perverting justice and warned that they would be judged for the oppressive way they had treated the powerless in their community.

Where do we the inheritors of these traditions stand? Should not the Church universal today also be known as a community that identifies evil/unjust practices in the societies we live in and pray and work with like minded people of any persuasion to rid our societies of particular social sins? Too often we make our gospel too small, rejoicing only in individuals’ coming to salvation, but forgetting that Christ’s coming is good news in every way. Should not we, the Kingdom people find creative expression to our prayer ‘thy kingdom come’?

I admire the initiative of a friend from college days who now teaches at a women’s university in South Asia. This university includes Sri Lankan women from both the Sinhala and the Tamil communities with histories of mutual prejudice. The mutual aloofness each group demonstrated to the other caused concern among the university administrators so that they asked my friend (the school counselor, herself from Sri Lanka) if she could help them understand the students. My friend went one step further in offering to hold a workshop for the Sri Lankan students with the goal of starting a process of mutual understanding. At the end of the day, after listening to stories from both sides, asking honest & tough questions from their own community and the other, reflection, sharing food and music, there was the beginning of real difference in attitude & perspective in both communities towards the other. School administrators have noticed changes in actions too, that students now voluntarily attend each community’s special festivities. The students say that though there still exists differences of opinion , they are more able to share their real views on the ethnic conflict in class, without being excessively careful with their words as they had formerly been since both ethnic groups were represented in class. These students are now planning to demonstrate their commitment to reconciliation between the two communities by going back to Sri Lanka this summer to work on a peace-building project with affected communities from both sides of the conflict. All stemming from one faithful woman seizing the opportunity to be salt and light and going beyond the committment to her job.

Who are the ‘widow, orphan or alien’ in the social contexts of our Christian communities? We need to identify the powerless and marginalized that live among us and give practical expression to our faith in working to lift them up from the situations/conditions that they are in. After the Tsunami and for about five years now , a Sri Lankan Christian couple have been working with a community on the fringe of society. The parents are fisher labourers; they do not own boats or nets but hire their labour in the fishing trade. They also walk from door to door, selling small items. Of economic necessity both parents are out all day trying to earn a living. There has been no history of formal education in this community. The older children stay at home and look after the younger ones or also help their parents earn a living. This couple spent time with the community building relationships and gathered the children and taught them in their own environment, valuing their oral culture, teaching at times that were convenient to the community. This year, the first batch of students from their community sat for a major public exam and well wishers have helped the community own its first bit of property, a community center.

Once we recognize the conditions/situations that God calls us to address, let us remember that we are in it for the long haul and be faithful and persistent over the years it may take to see good come about, much as Wilberforce took on the cause of slavery early on in his career as a politician, but had to wait almost until the end of his life to see the result of his prayers and work.

I have never ceased to marvel at  a few simple words in Philippians, “ in humility consider others better than yourselves”.  Is this really possible? If you are like me, I suspect that you feel that your attitudes, perspective on issues or way of doing things is normal and right.  Even if we might not think that our personal ideas are better than everyone else’s,  often this is true with regard to the social groups we belong to.  “The way my family has always done things is the best way, My community’s contempt of and hostility towards another group of people is mostly deserved, the reasoning  of my social class is the  most obvious and logical”. A lot of how I parent my 4 1/2 year old girl and 1 1/2 year old boy in upstate New York today  is how my mom parented my brother and I a generation ago in Sri Lanka; choosing to be a stay-at-home-mom, ensuring that the kids’ meals were wholesome and on time,  enforcing an early bedtime,  being the first person to teach the kids reading, writing & ‘rithmetic, teaching the baby how to play, keeping a tidy house (which she did far better than I!), teaching correct vocabulary rather than indulging in baby language, doing family prayers, having the children sleep with the parents at night and even rubbing them down with Johnson’s lotion!  From time to time, I can’t help feeling how my ways of doing things are ‘better’ than someone else’s.    I’ve no doubt that friends feel that way about me too, sometimes.

Even in (especially in?) communities of believers, how often do we actually listen to and take note of voices that are truly different from our own? Sometimes we can prematurely pat ourselves on the back thinking that our ministry or church reflects the wide range of differences that God created, as men & women, urban types & rural folk, those that are at home speaking English & those that are not are all involved in its mission. Yet these differences can sometimes be just absorbed  into the dominant culture of “how we do things around here”.  We might have the trappings of the variety of  Christ’s body, but in truth be resistant to expressions of any real difference that make the majority uncomfortable. Or at best give a hearing, but let what comes in through one ear, go out of the other.

Consider  the circumstances of Paul’s appeal to the congregation at Philippi to “do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility regard others as better than (themselves).”  The multiple injunctions to be in agreement indicate that the church either was lacking in unity or needed to consider oneness of mind important enough to work hard at guarding. The church is encouraged to be of one mind in relation to God’s purposes, that there would not be a conflict of priorities within the church. This unity also extends to growth of character which would enable them to show a deep love to one another.

The Philippian church probably did not lack good ideas of doing ministry. Rather the congregation  was unwilling  to consider the ideas of one another, preferring to assume that their own idea was better than anyone else’s. In other words, members of the congregation were dismissive of different perspectives, impatient to give others a hearing and eager to impose their own preferences on everyone else. Imagine a scene where everyone is quick to speak and slow to listen, perhaps with a show of politeness but blanking out while others speak, waiting to jump in and expound their views  the minute they  get a chance. Is this also how groups of believers arrive at decisions today?

We are not to engage in ministry with a desire to further our own causes, to be in the limelight or with  pride in our competence or with complacency.  When we are turned in on ourselves, It is difficult to pay attention to others.   If we are to take seriously the command to regard others as better than ourselves, we need to begin by paying them attention.  How do we pay attention to others? We listen. We initiate conversations and  ask questions. We ditch assumptions and  seek opinion.  We invite people to share their different experiences.  We become willing to be made uncomfortable, trying to understand.   In the believing  community, as Paul spells out further, we are called to look after one another’s  interests not merely our own. This means thinking about how practicing the Christian faith would look like for someone else, especially when they are different from us in language, culture, class, economic background , nationality, season of life etc.   If we are in leadership of a church, organization or small group that reflects this diversity , we must put ourselves in the shoes of those we lead. We need to explore with them how their discipleship would look, considering in which instances it would mirror  our own walk, and figuring out with them, in which areas it could be practiced differently from  what we and  those like us are used to doing.

How would such a transformed attitude be translated into practice? In the practice of the Genesis ideal of marriage where we are exhorted to leave, cleave & be one flesh with our spouse, the Church in more traditional societies of the world can learn from their brethren in the West.  It is quite common in Sri Lankan society for family elders to arrange a marriage between a man and a  woman including the financial transactions/dowry (i.e the assets that the bride would bring in to her husband’s family).  It is also not uncommon sometimes, for the man’s family to initially agree to the ‘terms’ of the marriage, have the wedding, encourage the birth of the first child and then express dissatisfaction with the financial arrangements. One can imagine the tension this kind of situation brings! It is only in recent years that Christians from traditional cultures are learning to emotionally separate from their families of origin and see their husband/wife as the object of their first loyalty.  Christians from such backgrounds need to emulate their brethren in the West and pursue oneness in marriage, without excessive interference from outside influences including their families.   Families need to learn that their role is to support rather than control the new couple.

On the other hand, we may differ from our Western brothers in how we choose to give.  The New Testament exhorts us to give regularly, generously & in a planned fashion.  In the cultural context of North America, many would expect the full  tithe to be brought into the local church & gifts to other Christian ministries would not be considered part of the tithe.  Christians living in the West but who have roots in the developing world might prefer to bring in part of their tithe to their local church and send a significant portion of their tithes to churches and ministries in their home countries where they have been nurtured spiritually for many years and where there is a greater need for funds. In this context, the Western church which has not had poverty in its face as much as the church in poorer parts of the world needs to learn from  their brethren from the East, that how one sets aside one’s tithe is not written in stone.

While we might be willing to learn from others in areas where we acknowledge we are weak, sometimes we are resistant to learn from others in areas that are our strengths. For instance, when we hear reports of some Missions trips, we hear stories along the lines of how the people being ministered to were hospitable, zealous for God, prayerful and lived sacrificially. There are fewer stories of how the missions team learnt in areas of doctrine, Bible study methods,  strategies  for reaching the unreached or new discipleship tools . Those of us that teach can be unwilling to be taught by others, especially in the areas of our expertise. Those of us that are the listeners and encouragers of others might find it hard to go to others for help and advice. Both at the individual and collective levels, we all need to work on viewing other Christians on level ground.

How do we begin to consider others better than ourselves? Paul goes on to say in Philippians that their/our  attitude should be like that of Christ. Jesus did not cling to his status of being equal with God, but  voluntarily relinquished his rights,  emptying himself by degrees,  becoming human, allowing Himself to die, even to suffer the shameful   execution of a common criminal.   Jesus was not some well meaning but powerless kind soul who was overpowered  by the force of circumstances. He was fully aware of His identity as the Son of God. He chose to give up his privileged position for our sake. We are also called to emulate His character by voluntarily giving up our rights and privileges for the sake of the family of God.  It is when we understand our own standing with God and are secure in the love and worth He has bestowed on us that we are freed to let go of our pride, to let go of needing to have the last word and to let go of wanting to put the record straight when we feel we’ve been misunderstood. When we rest in God, we realize we don’t have to prove ourselves to Him. We don’t need to engage in sibling rivalry to compete for our Father’s attention and love.

We are exhorted time and time again in the New Testament, to do the hard job of working on our relationships within the family of believers.  Therefore we look long at God and are reminded of who He is. Out of the security of our relationship with Him, we work on loving fellow believers.   We consider others better than ourselves by treating them so. All the privileges that we feel that we are entitled to, we lavish on them. We treat them with honour, we lift them up. We do not denigrate nor dismiss.  We realize that In the different contexts that we are placed in, it should be eminently possible that there would be a variety of ways to achieve the same ends, not all of which will be thought of by me!  There might even be important priorities that I might overlook that others will point out! When I worked in student ministry in Sri Lanka and regularly led Bible studies for men & women in university, I always  looked with anticipation to the ‘truths’ that would come out that I had not intentionally prepared for. Often, there would be a facet/angle I hadn’t considered brought into the discussion and I loved ‘seeing’ such evidence that it was God’s work and not my own.

If we are articulate, we show respect to those that are slower  in speech by slowing down and giving them space to speak. If we are fluent in the language of currency, we  work on not talking down to those who find it difficult to express themselves well in that language.   In my days as a student leader in my college Christian fellowship, our normal modus operandi at committee meetings would be to switch between two or sometimes three languages depending on the comfort levels of those participating.  This meant that at certain points of the meeting  different folks only  got a summary in their language what the others discussed. Of course this worked because one or two among us spoke 3 languages!

Other practical ways of demonstrating a high view of others  might include older Christians from traditional societies  guarding against  being patronizing to younger Christians.  Younger Christians might need to value the insights of the faith journey of those whose footsteps they now walk in.  If we have been condescending  to  believers from other parts of the world, we work on changing our attitudes. Men might need to appreciate how women’s Christian experience  is as authentic as theirs.  Once when leading a workshop  on both the big picture and practical aspects of Decision making at a Christian conference, I remember  including as an example,  how one might set about menu planning for one’s family. The faces of several of the men registered  incomprehension , whereas  there was understanding  in the face of the one woman who was there!

When we practice treating  our brothers and sisters in Christ as better than ourselves in these kinds of real life situations that we are placed in, God works in transforming us.  We realize that people don’t have to do what we want after all, they just need to be doing what God wants.  At the very least, we would have moved to a place of considering  these “others” to be as good as ourselves.